Here we are at the end of November with Christmas just round the corner. My hands smell of mouldy wood where I have been filling the log basket and stoking the fire – I lit it early today: if I am going to sit still for any length of time in this enormous house there needs to be some form of heating nearby and it is hardly economical to keep the whole house warm all day just for one person. It is already 4 o clock, the road full of school traffic outside: I don’t want to go up to the top of the house this late in the day – the window up there is very draughty and it’ll be dark soon – so I decide to sit in the kitchen sofa and listen to the whirr of the dishwasher instead of being surrounded by all the cars and voices of parents and children passing just outside the front window. Anyway, the gas fire in the lounge isn’t working properly – I’ve found someone to come and service it tomorrow morning: I wonder if it can actually be fixed or whether we will find ourselves with yet another bill for a new one…
So goes the head-noise. But I sit here in order to write – because I told myself I would write today… and the day is nearly over. I knew what I was going to write about too – I have another summer story lined up – but I don’t want to do that at the moment, I just don’t feel inspired. Let’s face it, it’s winter! So I stare at the flames for a while and try just writing what comes into my head instead – and (da da!) this is that! It’s not very inspiring is it? Perhaps I am losing my mojo… there is a strange mixture of frustration, guilt and resignation to deal with – and now the fire is going out as well!
It’s not surprising – the cellar has been flooded by the recent heavy rainfall at least twice, so our log pile is sitting in a puddle again today. I’m burning the last of the old load, the dry pieces, but the air itself is damp and stale… rather like me perhaps. I have actually been trying to reduce my anti-depressants again over the past week, so it’s hard to know whether feeling tired, grumpy and rather apathetic is caused by brain chemicals or hormones or just the fact that it’s really grey outside: my initials are SAD after all.
I had a great day yesterday – saw a friend from my old singing group and had a lovely catch up – perhaps I am still an extrovert after all, I do usually get energy from being with people. She also reminded me that exercise really helps one’s mood – so true: the days I go to the gym I feel much better – I did that yesterday too and it helped me relax, raised some endorphins, all that good stuff. Of course it left no time to write… there’s the rub. But it’s helped me decide to at least go out somewhere on the between-gym days – a walk or cycle or just shopping in town… ‘every little helps’, they say! I need a healthy routine for all sorts of reasons.
So, putting off the writing a bit longer, after doing some morning admin and housework jobs – including updating my photoblog of course; I’m really enjoying that one, it’s so quick and effortless! – I thought I’d freshen up by cycling to town and then write – on return… you know. The sun was out for a few minutes too: quick make the most of it, don’t miss it like last time! While I’m out I can get Martin some of those heat-pads they do for back pain – sadly he’s hurt himself, overdoing it at the gym! But, “the best laid plans…”as Robbie Burns said… my rear bicycle tyre had a slow puncture! We made it from the chemist to the mender’s yard and then had to walk home… which took me through the park and gave little Sally a chance to ride on the tyre swing! It was really nice, I should have stayed there longer, but some big boys came along and I felt a bit embarrassed at taking their amusement away from them – after all I look like a 50 year old woman, much too old for such dalliance 😉
Once home there was lunch to eat and some cooking to do for tonight: I made a huge ratatouille. Suddenly it’s 4 o clock – actually now it’s nearer 5.30. I guess this will just have to do as a blog post for today: ‘a day in the life’? – ‘fireside chat’? ‘I’ve lost my mojo’? Perhaps best titled, Procrastination. But thinking about it, it wasn’t a bad day, if days actually have to be judged and measured by achievements or experiences, which of course they don’t. When it comes to feeling bad about anything, I am the only one who can let myself off the hook because I’m the one who created the hook and hung myself on it!
So I guess… I’ll go and stoke the fire again. Tomorrow is going to have to be a ‘writing day’ too – after the gym!