It’s the 1st again so I am full of that ‘clean canvas energy’ feeling again, determined to post an update before the end of the day. Yes – I’ve been here before, of course: in October I was starting the month off right, on June 1st I was listening to my life, using the opportunity to assess our journey once more, on the first day of March I was – as you might have guessed – exhorting myself to march on. Well, no harm in making the most of a new beginning and I’ll take advantage of any excuse to sweep away the mistakes and weariness and get up and try again – it’s a bit like making new year’s resolutions every month!
And just as ‘successful’ – NOT! In October who guessed I was trying to discipline myself to write regularly when I turned out a blog post a day for 4 days before running out of steam? Who is glad I didn’t actually end up giving you 1000 words a day to digest? That would have been 31,000 for the whole month – a small book’s worth! Isn’t about 4 days how long new year resolutions do last? Because although I did enjoy the flow of writing, real life soon took over, bringing my sky-high expectations down to earth again in a flurry of discouragement.
It’s not surprising though – it’s just realism, facing up to how not to fit a quart into a pint pot. There’s no point making the same mistake again this month – my life is just too full and varied to have any regular routine: it’s like a laundry basket overflowing with messy shirts and balled up socks, wet towels and stained sweaters – a coloured, tangled muddle calling for attention, sorting, tidying up. Come to think of it, I love doing that – I think I have a dominant ‘tidying up’ gene! – but bringing order to moving, changing, breathing life is another kettle of fish and pinning down my own thoughts into satisfying, readable chunks is like herding cats and keeping a handle on these similes is like – putting bridles on a school of porpoises? Sorry, I think I am getting carried away now 😉 Perhaps it’s because I have actually tidied up everything and ticked off all my ‘jobs’ today – or maybe I’m feeling happy at the prospect of another new start!?
Nice new November – be sensible and stick to the subject! This is, of course, a ‘left brain, right brain’ issue. I have been gestating that intended post for ages and will link it here when I get it out… I wonder how long that will take? I don’t allow myself, you see: if I could only let myself give more time to creativity instead of the endless ‘tidying up’ and many other duties and distractions… but I do like them too and it is satisfying when the laundry basket is empty after 6 loads of washing, drying and ironing – but that won’t get a book written!
Nice new November: there is always the chance that things can change! This is called ‘the triumph of hope over experience’ – and I think I know something about that: yes, faithful followers, I do mean Sam son. How is he doing? People ask me that and it’s hard to quantify: in many ways the roller-coaster continues, emotionally if not physically. We haven’t seen him for over a week because we were away in France, though we had the usual crisis phone calls when he got a letter saying disability benefit is going to change in March and how will he manage? and again the next day when he dropped and broke his hard drive… 3 terabytes of data! Total disaster! But he got over that, bought himself a new X Box = more debt but it’s “OK because he’s replacing the things that were stolen last month” and after all that – and still no news of the lost laptop with its so-called anti-theft device – was in a good mood and glad to see us when we came home.
Then I was called in as nurse when he went down with a virus this week – but he’s still remarkably cheerful and positive. He tells me he is getting better – not from the virus, he means the brain tumour. I don’t know what to say or even to think… I am the one who believes that nothing is impossible with God! I guess I am afraid to hope because that sets you up for disappointment again… groan. But he insists we must be positive and make plans for the future – however, tomorrow he may be having another bad day again. It’s hard to trust when his track record is so extreme but I am still quite surprised at my cool response to his heartfelt expressions of affection and requests to have more family time together. I suppose I don’t think it will ever really happen – or do I even want that now, on the verge of rediscovering my own life? Not good – or as the young ones say – ‘my bad’.
So in making a new start today, I’ve had to pray about my frozen heart – a defence mechanism for sure – or maybe it’s the tablets dulling my mood as I try to get the balance somewhere between subconscious jaw-clenching anxiety and the dark pit of despair. We do feel as if we walk around the very edge of that pit, never knowing what will push us over the edge and when … fear, fear, breathing down my neck: GO AWAY! My crampon’s are firmly secured in the Rock Who doesn’t fail and I am roped together with my friends! But still the sheer nervousness over so much that we can’t control, the constant battle just to stay at peace.
But, come on my soul, for now all seems to be going well and November opens up in front of us with all it’s possibilities. As another new beginnings marker, today Rebecca started her new job! She will even get her own office – whatever next?! Although her parents have spent the last few days worrying about her, knowing she was tired and not coping last week, it seems this venture into independence beyond living on benefits really has started well. Amazingly she’s based in Sussex Eye Hospital, the same building I worked in when I discovered I was pregnant with her in 1983 – just like a salmon returning to the spawning grounds she has completed a full circle! (see ‘It’s going to brighten’ for a bit about our family history in that town).
Surely at the start of this new month I must give thanks for all the blessings we enjoy and ‘offer sacrifices of thanksgiving that honour the Lord and open the way for His salvation to come’ to all the other places we have need of it (Psalm 50v23). Amen.