W is for wannabe

I’m a writer who’s not writing, a singer who’s not singing, a pray-er who’s not praying: what does that make me? Too busy and/or delusional – a fraud, a ‘clearly don’t really wannabe’ – at the very least unrealistic! W is M upside-down, so ‘double you is topsy-turvy me’: I love silly things like that, but there is some truth in it – swept along by the tide of life, fighting fatigue and getting through each day: stuff is getting done around me at home, but inside I am frustrated. Like Martha I am busy serving but my own needs so often remain unmet: when will there be space for what matters? If I am not doing these things I am surely not really who I think I am – I’m like a ‘leader’ with no followers!  If I am honest, looking at what is actually happening and not what I imagine should be, right now I am simply a housewife, project manager, personal assistant and troubleshooter: I am also pretty good at buying things.

I haven’t been feeling very well for quite a while: not too sure what to do about that, so I just keep going. Probably not the best idea, but give me another one… OK: go and see the doctor, the dentist, the counsellor… done all those. The thing is this burden doesn’t go away, doesn’t get lighter – so of course we are weary. Take a rest! Love to – and often try to: Scilly was magical, wonderful, nostalgic, sunny, wet, happy and sad and we came back to everything here both full and empty.

There is no escape from reality and our reality is living with Sam’s dormant tumour, never knowing if and when it will disrupt our hearts again. The wonder of the Games and all that has been happening in our nation this summer – Lord, may it be a sign of something more and the answer to many prayers for a new generation – can lift our hearts and so it should… but physically and personally a price is being paid: there is always a cost and the more valuable the item the higher it is – just ask the athletes. I am so grateful for the lights and fireworks, the joy and sense of national hope and unity in that stadium – it surely reflects the tidal wave of prayer for blessing and God’s presence in our land – but most of it is only froth that quickly dissolves. As Paul put it: ‘Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown (laurel crowns in those days rather than metal medals) that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever’ 1 Corinthians 9v25. So in that context, as Jesus said, we’d better think about storing up our treasure in heaven and how to make our lives count toward that eternal reward!

Yes, this is stream of consciousness this morning. I have not written for so long there is a backlog of ideas trying to push their way out – a list of titles: ‘W is for Y’ – that was one. WHY?? Sam was burgled last week and we all had to go through the 5 stages of grief  all over again, over the loss of his super-duper whizzy expensive computer…  It can’t be true! (denial), BASTARDS! (anger), surely the police will be able to track it with the inbuilt theft alert device (bargaining), GOD, IT’S SO AWFUL! (depression) – but it’s only a thing, only money… (acceptance).  It’s not fair, is it? Hasn’t the poor boy suffered enough?! Life isn’t fair – and as Sam himself says, it is a consequence… of him leaving his front window ajar.  What is the word of the Lord? ‘Do not store up your treasure on earth where moth and rust corrupt and thieves break in to steal Matthew 6v19… ah, that again! Anyway, after an emotional weekend he is calm again for now, using a borrowed iPad and still hoping his beloved laptop will come back to him when the thieves turn it on and the police are able to pick up it’s signal. Oh, please God!

Punch drunk we stagger through each day, leaning on… what? A nice cup of tea! Time to go to work – must get dressed, the painter is coming in 10 minutes (he really is!) – we need something for dinner and that pile of ironing is calling… and what else have I got written in my diary for today? I need the inner calm, the still, small voice that says ‘Be still! Time out!’ I know from long experience that when I choose the better part everything else goes much more smoothly – that light and easy yoke. Come on, girl, get a grip! 😉

Such grace can overcome the storms and even strengthen my tired muscles and clear my frantic mind – if and when I let it. The peace that passes understanding sends anxiety and unhelpful expectations into the middle of next week – when I’ll have to make these choices once again!  I know the constant strain is having an effect on my health – but Someone cares for me: my times are in His hands and I can trust my Maker not to take me beyond what I can bear. We’ve got this far and He won’t leave us now!  And if He wants me to be a serious ‘W is for writer’ He’ll have to make it happen, because I can’t… at least not right now until the bathroom is actually finished.

Oh, look at that – I just did 😉 And now the painter is here and another day begins: thank God for grace today – and for you, Mick!


About Sally Ann

True-story teller - words and pictures
This entry was posted in Life choices, Personal, Sam's journey, Writing about writing!. Bookmark the permalink.

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