I am desperate to break my blogging silence today! When I wrote the date yesterday I had to laugh, because it was 12.7.12. Ooooh, what a lovely date and I didn’t even see it coming! 😉 Last year I was so alert to the numbers and dates as we went through what I called ‘the watershed year’ – after which nothing would ever be the same again… Have I stopped trusting the signs? Well – it’s not good to make stuff up or be superstitious, is it? God speaks in all sorts of languages at different times and it’s the still, small voice that matters… But He had my attention again with 12.7.12 – especially when I counted 21 days to 1.8.12 and 40 days to 21.8.12. No – I don’t know what it means, if anything… we can come back to it if you like, I’m sure I will… 1.8.12 has been on my radar for a long time, being 40 months since Sam was first found to have brain lesions. But something inside me wanted to make a response to the 12’s and 7 and all they stand for, as if to say it is a day to mark a completion and perfection with some governmental decisions! I ended up writing ‘It’s high time’ which got posted on my other blog…
Over the last two silent weeks restraint has given way to resignation; a totally deliberate change of routine followed by a week of readjustment and busyness on return from Brittany has allowed weeds of doubt to spring up in the fallow soil – all those voices that cause embarrassment with their questions… It has actually taken some divine intervention to kick start my stalled engine, remind me that my creativity is GOOD and comes to good. I must thank Becca for that, and her assiduous following of Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way, a 12 week course designed to remove the blocks from any and everyone’s creativity. My daughter is far more disciplined than I am and actually does what it suggests – like write out these ultimately true sentences as a reminder:
It really is hard to allow oneself the time and space needed to express inner things. We all have different sorts of blockages – lack of worth or self-care, past criticisms, unbalanced views of what is important to live life well. It is a daily choice to insist on right priorities and not be led astray by distractions and outside pressures. I will always tend to do all the tasks around me, make sure everyone else is OK and the house all tidy, before permitting myself to sit down and write… like Martha serving I am in danger of missing the point. If it was a 9-5 job I would have no choice about it, but this work is unpaid and self-motivated… so no wonder I come back to the question of whether it is really what I should give myself to or not! Whose permission do I need – apart from my own? Martin’s? – I have it; God’s…? Being able to be quiet and allow thought and prayer to mix is surely the root of spirituality.
There are loads of practical reasons why I have had a break from regular blogging – half deliberately as a holiday gesture… and then the holiday became a dividing line between what was and what is coming and whether I am actually still ‘supposed’ to be doing it! It’s amazing how subtle the fear and excuses become as I continue to ignore the impulses, do other things, just let the ideas slide by. As I admitted in yesterday’s post, it all collects in a closed storeroom in a great messy pile, calling to me through the door to be tidied up. My inner space becomes a stagnant pool instead of a bubbling flow and I feel mentally constipated!
Clearly regular writing is good for my health, so what’s the problem with just doing it for that reason? I never have been good at looking after myself though… I’ve argued this one out plenty of times before! BUT – the thing is – I know I have a book (or two!) to write and that is going to take a lot of hours and work beyond a (relatively) quick blog post… can I make time for both? Can I establish a work routine and actually make some progress instead of just talking about it? Is it worth the hard work? Do I really want to do it? It can be as if a blog post temporarily scratches an itch and then I can walk away and forget about it again without dealing with the cause of the irritation.
We have returned from one life to the other and find that Sam is apparently – to all intents and purposes – both well and independent, as is Becca: so that means – as I let it sink in – that after 3 long years I am truly independent too. The past is over, my direction has certainly been changing and I really do have new vision and purpose in various areas – again I am sure I will come back to this in the coming months. The point is that now my time is my own and the rest of my life seems to be beckoning… however long that may be! OK – it’s a bit of a fallacy: none of us really know what is going to happen in the next 5 minutes, 5 days or 5 years – especially in this family with Sam’s dormant timebomb. But ‘goals release energy’, right? There is not much time left and we want to fulfil our purpose in this life and ‘leave a legacy’, so ‘sow where you want to go’ and other stock phrases… Yes, my relatively recently discovered writing is surely a big part of that… but perhaps no longer in the form of blogging? Perhaps I should eschew the nursery slopes and head for the heights now…?!
Lovely picture there by our Italian friend – those Dolomite mountains are a little bit beyond me! Nah – don’t worry (as if you were!) I have realised I do still want to carry on blogging – it still has so much value for training and fulfilment, apart from any influence for good or encouragement for others garnered by readers: there is life in the old girl yet and a story still unfolding. But the question did have to be asked because I do have to find time to do the book thing as well… as well, as well – a balancing act, a juggling game, both hands full of life and gifts, cup overflowing, much expected from those to whom much is given, boat-loads of responsibilities, totally impossible… but ‘with God all things are possible’ (Matthew 19v26). Busyness is not the answer, but peace and order and one thing at a time and the next right step and grace for today – they can get me there. Come on! It’s OK to have been silent and it’s OK to be writing again now – and if I can just stretch out a little bit more and start that first chapter, eventually there will be a book as well. Dream on!
I do know this is not entirely up to me: ‘All that I have done the Lord has done for me’ If I can trust enough and listen enough somehow the Lord of time will find me the time and all the other things will find their place around it – which is a good and trusting conclusion point for another new start! Anyway, I’m certainly feeling better now all that has been said! So forgetting the doubts and ‘all that is past’ I’ll choose to say YES to a season of focus and work and changed priorities and give myself permission again… to blog or not to blog!