In my book, NOTHING is allowed to be ‘uncategorised’! Blogging on this site, WordPress give you an ‘uncategorised’ category by default, so that if you somehow forget to label your post with a specific topic (or 2 or 3 in my case) it will go in the general miscellany that covers everything else. You can’t delete this category – it is there as a catch all, like a safety net for when you lose your footing and fall off the high wire.
That really annoys me! I don’t want it, I don’t need it, I am perfectly capable of categorising my posts into subject areas – true the lines between them are rather blurred… but against my will, I am forced to have this one sitting in the list just incase I miss a trick. Hmmm.
How anal am I – OCD or what? This whole ‘controlling mechanism’ stuff is obviously sky-high in my psyche! I like to label and file all the parts and tidy them up so I know exactly where I am with a big resounding NO to something that doesn’t fit ANYwhere! 😉
But of course life is not like that, is it? I know it really… it’s because of the chaos we face that this mechanism has grown so strong in me: it was always there, but now I have it down to a fine art. In fact recently I am seeing more and more that, thinking I am being wide-open and honest, I am actually stage-managing everything that comes into the public domain, making it look just how I want it to… as everyone who has a facebook page knows all too well! We are all little artists creating an image of ourselves for others to see, and I am categorising mine under various headings to make it more – what? Accessible, palatable, significant? I don’t really know why… I just do like to feel in control – perhaps because there is so much about our lives I can’t control.
Is this ‘wrong’? Ah – pejorative! DON’T TELL ME I AM WRONG! OK… sorry – just hit a nerve there. I know I am wrong a lot of the time – at least I am not right, because only God is right… I didn’t really mean that… Sorry, sorry, humble pie – and why so angry?
The painful point, it turns out, is if I feel I am being told I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I have just bumped into this again in the last few days… just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water. The dream about needing to mourn was just the beginning of stirrings – I now have a whole inner scenario that has been provoked by a psychology exercise that someone suggested I try out! I may share it with you sometime, but I’ll have to categorise it under ‘personal’ – a heading I added in when I realised ‘life choices’, ‘prayer’, ‘suffering’ and ‘the process’ were not quite covering the subject matter. Why I choose to write about this private stuff is beyond me really, but I am obviously compelled… as long as you do realise my honest revelations are being edited and managed, rather like putting on a play based on life backstage.
Life behind the scenes cannot be so easily packaged, emotions are not always tameable and minds run riot and defy expression. Yes, of course I write about what is happening to us and how I feel: the ‘Sam’s journey’ category is by far the most popular with readers but it is important to me to blog about the other aspects of my life and beliefs too, even if many ordinary people must think ‘prophetic language’ is rather a strange one! But it has to be done in a presentable way, as is appropriate, just as the TV companies did with Sam and Martin’s story last year while we lived the hidden struggles away from the camera – and of course I have to have boundaries to protect myself and ‘no go’ areas as well as the grace to simply find the right words. And I’ve been doing it and I am pleased with it and GOSH! – I have been trying so hard and doing so well, so never tell me it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH! The resistance rises again at the very thought that I am being accused of something that no-one was accusing me of. There are some deep, old wounds in that phrase, things that go back years…
We all have reasons why we behave in the ways we do… Yes, I like to look good and to even somehow that might be about proving I AM good enough – but of course there is nothing to prove. Being good isn’t even the issue – it’s being LOVED that matters: that is what I need to explore and experience a whole lot more – backstage, front stage, inside and out 🙂 While I am working away trying to understand what is happening – give it meaning, put it into categories, sell it as good medicine, tally it with a good God’s promises, testify to the world.wide.web. – the real wisdom lies in just letting it BE what it is and KNOW that it’s alright: ‘all is well, all is well and all manner of things will be well’ (there’s your ‘quotable quote’ – Julian of Norwich!)
So I’ll deliberately keep this one ‘uncategorised’. I’ll let go of the reins for once and just let it be what it is – ‘prayer’ and ‘suffering’ and ‘rejoicing’ and ‘amazing!’ all mixed up with blood and guts. It’s the impure mixture of life as it is happening – deep-buried emotions, random thoughts, memories and my reaction to the weather, loved-ones’ smiles, whispered promises, hugs and apologies. It is half-understood ‘poetry’ converging with brain chemicals and heartbeats and coming out as ‘something to say’.
It’s the jumble of my uncategorised ramblings as I take the next steps on the journey… and it IS ‘good enough’!