Last night Sam son packed up his bag of food and notebooks and said goodbye to his father. I missed the moment, but Martin was touched as Sam expressed his love and affection for his long-suffering dad. Perhaps it was because he had a glimpse of freedom, of adulthood and autonomy… He will no longer have to come round to our house to use the internet, his own cable is being connected at last today!
Things have been much better between us all lately: Sam is optimistic and – against all the odds! – positive about the future. He has finance, purpose and direction: he has hope. None of us can sustain a healthy state of mind without hope – something good to look forward to. Sam continues to trust in the efficacy of his ‘medicine’ – the highly concentrated hemp oil – and has a plan to earn money to keep himself supplied. Yes, this house of cards could easily come toppling down, but it has been so painstakingly built – you can’t help but admire his determination. Despite disagreeing with so many of the things he has chosen to do, we are nothing but proud of him: surely he deserves some success after all his efforts?
Of course, life doesn’t work like that. We continue to pray for the grace of God for all of us and don’t look too far ahead: at the moment all is well. Today Sam is not coming round – well, providing Virgin actually do turn up! It’s taken them months to deliver the order originally placed in January, you’d think they didn’t want a cut of his benefits money! All sorts of reasons and excuses have contributed to the growth of my patience muscle… First, they wrongly identified 8c as a flat at no 8, so the original appointment in February was cancelled until they could “confirm the house exists”! As we then patiently waited (“this can take 2-12 weeks”) the request got “lost in the system” and when I finally called to chase it, they realised they hadn’t actually sent a ‘network spotter’ to identify the correct address yet: back to square one! All credit to the local spotter, he came the next day (I had laid it on thick on the phone about the boy with the brain tumour) but they then had to arrange to lay a new cable to the 6 year-old house – which is actually built on the site of a larger period property’s garage. This finally happened on an auspicious date – St George’s Day 😉 – and finally, they had to change the subsequent internet connection date twice… due to circumstances beyond their control, I suppose! Of course most of these arrangements had to be made through Sam, as ‘mother’ tried not to interfere, which created another layer of issues in communication and the need for acceptance and serenity on my part!
Despite the catalogue of errors, there is no point getting angry about it: Sam has been happy enough using our fast broadband and certainly didn’t want anything slow instead. He didn’t mind coming over to his ‘office’ every day, bringing his pizza, pasta, salmon and rice, bread, ham and juice to stack up in my kitchen along with his ever-running laptop, iPod, phone… basically having the run of 2 houses. It was only me suffering from the constant need to adjust to my own personal space-invader, bless him. *What’s wrong with me, anyway? Why did I want to push him away*…?
Well – he’s gone now. I am pleased but I know it won’t be unadulterated joy because when we don’t see him for a couple of days we always wonder if he is OK over there… it’ll be a discipline to decide that he is. As he says, now he can come and see us just because he wants to see us!
It seems such a small thing, but it’s not. After so many times I have had to let go – as all mothers do – when he first went off to London at 19, when he departed from the othodox spiritual path and chose to go with the alternative healer approach, when he moved out with Jessica, when he flew off to Canada – even recently when he moved all his stuff out, including his drum kit, and I said it was ‘finally, finally‘ – but this is another level for both of us.
I definitely shouldn’t have this vague guilt* that I’m being selfish, because it is obviously high time the separation was established – he’s 25 on Saturday! Like any young man, he desperately wants his independence. Following on from the empowerment of having his debts paid off – since so many did graciously ‘put their money where their mouth is’ in support – and now receiving an adequate amount of benefits income, this is clearly the next step. Yes, he’d like to leave Loughborough too… but his own place in this town, conveniently near to his support systems, is the best option at the moment. I have a life to get on with too – I have been longing for my own space to explore the ‘post-children season’ since late 2008!
But somehow it is still hard. Despite having ‘incurable cancer’, a ‘terminal diagnosis’ hanging over him, we want our unique son to have as much normality, as much joy in life, as he can and we’ve bent over backwards to give him that! But what will happen now?
This is not the final ‘final farewell’… but that still looms ahead.