Can’t stop crying this morning;
Overwhelmed with grief for all that’s lost,
Broken-hearted for my children’s pain,
Such a struggle walking on this path…
Weary to my bones – enduring still,
Faithful to the road that brought us here –
No idea where it’s going to go –
Slowly putting right foot, left foot down,
Here I am to face another day.
Why so sad and all so suddenly?
Deep buried pain’s volcano spewing forth;
The knocks and grazes all become too much,
A straw upon a camel laden-down
Collapsing broken on the desert sand.
I can’t get up – the tears become a prayer…
“It’s better out than in” they always say.
I feel such a fool today –
I’m glad they have a day for souls like me!
My heart out on my sleeve and guts laid bare
And to what end? To demonstrate what’s real!
I don’t know who is listening any more,
I can’t blame those who’ve had to turn away…
I’d turn away myself given the choice –
But where else could I go, but to the Lord?
I want to run away and hide –
To bury bruises in my Mother’s breast
And nurse my disappointments and my fear…
But if I try my feet will lead me back –
In silence lies the isolation that I dread,
Rejected and alone I’d rather die…
I’m made for love, and love is what I do,
A fool I may be – but a fool for You.
Processing through poetry today – a bit like Paul being foolish in 2 Corinthians 11 I am saying it like it is. Yes, I may have to delete this post later and I’ll probably have to increase my anti-depressants again tomorrow, but his letter survived for a reason, so maybe there is reason in my rant. What’s brought this on? Paul’s reason was his passion for the truth, his passion for his friends… Mine has more to do with sadness in the night, thinking of my hurting daughter and brave son – and hurting myself, with some knocks to my own heart, uncertainties over friendships, those old rejection issues surfacing… asking questions of the Lord about a time of change and how to discern what to expect and where to sow my love.
Ah – the Lord, the lovely Lord… I’ve been missing You. A re-encounter always makes me cry as all the layers of self-protection have to be peeled away and the truth faced. What do You require of me? I’m hearing ‘Go and hide for a while’ – but it doesn’t mean respond to hurt by running away. I know of old – and because Jesus said it – we can’t bring our offering to Him without making sure forgiveness rules in our hearts and relationships: I can’t carry any grudges under Mother God’s wings. As far as it is possible with me I have to be at peace with all men (Hebrews 12v14)
It’s the feeling foolish that I hate – but that’s a sure sign of pride. No-one wants to look stupid, do they? I know so often I must look a fool and sound a fool and usually I can handle it – I like being different and courageous… but when I’m hurting I just want to fold up and die. Everyone makes mistakes, but I seem to make a habit of sticking my neck out, forcing the issue, trying too hard, saying what other people only think, being ‘a bit too much’ at times… stoooopid – of course I’m going to overdo things occassionally. Someone like me needs lots of grace!
Like I say, I’m glad they have a special day for dolts like me… but how to handle all these rising fears? Where is the grace? How many people have I offended talking about money? I don’t think it was the wrong thing to do and Sam is feeling so much better as a result of all that – truly supported – so surely it was worth the risk I took? How many people are still with us on this strange and unusual path? It’s kind of changed in character since the beginning: we had a load of focussed prayer at first and now its gone all ‘alternative’: Sam’s chosen his own way and it is not very comfortable. It feels as if the season is changing and I don’t have the courage to keep assuming – I must let the mass emailing go and let individuals decide for themselves. But who are my 30 ‘mighty men’, my 12, my 3? And even the closest friends of Jesus let Him down in the end… ‘yet not my will but Yours be done’
Sob story – so self-indulgent. It is just how it is and how I feel today… sad. And a fool. Looking back 3 years this was the day Sam called downstairs, “Mum! I can’t see!” and as he noisily descended I heard a still, small voice telling me, “from now on your life will change”… It has! – and a lot of it has been good and we do continue to hope for God’s goodness to be revealed… But a major part of that change for me has been me opening my heart for all to see – being turned inside out. It was because I wrote and blogged that the story went so public in the Mail and on TV – and through that Sam got his Canada connection. I followed my feet – I went with the flow – we ended up here… sad and sorry today, but still walking toward the light, still trying to follow Jesus and be a fool for Christ.
So – feeling a lot better now and that the tears have brought me back to Jesus’ feet – 3 years on I count the cost again and choose again to be who God has called me to be – a lover and a servant of the Lord. Like Paul, ‘I will boast of the things that show my weakness’ (2 Corinthians 11v30). Who is with me? It’s the only way and none of us are meant to go alone.