What’s going on?

I don’t know why, but everything seems to be breaking at once.  After all we’ve been through in the past few months, you would think the minor matters of broken freezers and faulty electrics would be easy to cope with – a piece of cake in comparison with broken engagements and damaged hearts… but for some reason these little things are pressing all my buttons and it’ll be me that blows a gasket soon!

Last week I felt as free as a bird. The load had gone with Sam’s flight to British Colombia: as soon as we knew he was there safely, apparently happy and settling in well, I could begin to feel the empty space he’s left behind.  I can make my own choices now, without reference to anyone else… not something I have been able to do for as long as I can remember. Martin was also away in the States this weekend, so I chose to go to East Sussex for a couple of nights, to see Becca and the sea – perhaps just to prove I can do ‘normal’, autonomous things like that. It was great – I had a really good weekend…

But I seem to have hit this week head on – or it has hit me!  I’ve come back to the things that need doing – from bills to pay to cleaning crying out to be done.  Sam’s house stands empty – and that certainly needed a bit of tlc after the 2 kittens and a full litter tray –  and meanwhile back in our house the fridge that’s been on the blink for some time has finally given up completely. It’s not easy to live without a properly-working refrigerator! How did they used to manage? The food smells and the milk tastes strange – I am probably poisoning myself. The service company have been slower than slow in getting in the spare parts we need – it is getting on for a month of living with this inconvenience!

Horrors! A month with no fridge? Try an African village, my dear. Well, I would need my own cow to milk for starters, how else could I get my morning tea?  Guess I’d also have to light a fire to boil the water… walk a mile for the water first…? Meanwhile I’m having to put bottles of Sauvignon Blanc in the freezer to get them to a drinkable temperature, for goodness sake – and then make sure I don’t forget and let them freeze (horrors again!). It’s such a good thing we got that second freezer for Sam’s vegan diet back in 2010 or I’d have to drink warm wine!  And it’s also a good thing that just round the corner in his empty house there is a spare unused fridge where I can temporarily store my excess perishable food… it’s not really too far to go for it at dinner time…

These are the things we take for granted: maybe that is the lesson.  We are SO INCREDIBLY blessed and have known the goodness and provision of the Lord in innumerable ways. One friend of mine says that when things start breaking its a sign that you are ‘coming out of the wilderness’ – because in the wilderness the children of Israel’s shoes and clothes didn’t wear out… so presumably when they entered the promised land they did! Well – maybe this is some sort of promised land I am in, my 2 months of relative freedom? I would like it to be, am kind of planning for it to be…

So why am I so upset? Why so angry at Hotpoint and the Post Office Travel Card administration who have let me (and Jessica) down, made my ‘to do’ list longer, given me more to get done? Why so frustrated when the electrics blow out as I am closing the roll-down garage door and all the downstairs sockets are immediately fused? Dinner cannot be cooked and our home turns into a place you have just moved into, with fish and chips out of paper.  I have to resort to the British Gas HomeCare insurance policy to get an electrician at 6 at night – Ryan, a nice man, who tells me he will have to send Wayne round tomorrow to check the wiring when it is daylight. I was blaming the failing fridge-freezer of course, but apparently it is something else! Meanwhile the garage door has to be left open for 2 nights… any thieves fancy a lawnmower or some old garden furniture?

I’m sure you can identify with such suburban blues: they hardly matter in the grand scheme of things. When Wayne came it was too dark to see the wiring and he has to come back tomorrow… “thanks for being so nice about it”; if only he knew how I feel inside! Add to that 4 new car tyres fitted today at just shy of £1000 and I am pretty fed up. I have also gone out and bought a brand new fridge freezer (f**k you Hotpoint) but can’t find anyone to fit it on Friday afternoon when it is delivered  and may have to resort to DIY if I want refrigeration by the weekend: Martin and me with a screwdriver – it’ll end in tears. Or perhaps more patience and peace and taking a step back until the way through makes itself known…

Anger – my rights – everything in it’s place: DON’T YOU KNOW I AM AT THE END OF MY TETHER? Obviously much worse things happen in the world.  I may have reached some kind of ‘post-crisis-management-dip’ – sleeplessness, bursting into tears, feeling numb, head exploding, calling best friend for urgent prayer, appealing to busy husband to come home from work NOW! – that kind of thing… but really the need for new car tyres, a new fridge and work to the ancient wiring system between the back garden and the house doesn’t merit a nervous breakdown…

But blogging helps – so thanks!


About Sally Ann

True-story teller - words and pictures
This entry was posted in Life choices, Suffering. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to What’s going on?

  1. viki says:

    My heart goes out to you, my prayers spoken out for you.
    Be still and know that he is still God,
    Sometimes you have to let all the balls you’re juggling fall and cry in a heap on the kitchen floor, and then and only then your knight in shining armour arrives …

  2. Diane says:

    Big Hug X

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