Ground to a halt

I seem to have stopped.  Perhaps after all it really was ME that was the accident waiting to happen.  Things just dried up, inspiration wouldn’t come – life felt so precarious and I couldn’t make much sense of it. Confusing thoughts swirled in the mist around my head and anxiety sat in my stomach – it was even hard to formulate a prayer.  I made a conscious choice to step back from the edge and no longer having the strength to stand I simply sat down – I am clearly in need of the rest!  Eyeing the banana peel near my feet I am reluctant to stand up again too soon (did I not say a picture is worth a thousand words?)

So a pause has developed in my story, a waiting time… I’ll have to see what happens next and can’t predict which way it will turn.  I think I have been here before, but every time it happens it’s a shock: there’s nothing worse than losing peace and the sense of being carried – the desolation of feeling lost, standing naked in the whipping wind, the sharp bite of the dust stinging my skin.  I am exposed and overwhelmed, I need the shelter of the Rock again – a hiding place and refuge from the storm.  This happens at moments of crisis, when I have gone too far – when I have pushed my body and soul beyond the healthy boundaries – and when through trying too hard I cut myself off from grace.

Her reasons may be different to mine, but the decision is similar!

If you’ve been following the last few posts you’ve probably seen it coming:  I never seem to gauge ahead of time that I need a break: someone usually has to tell me!  It’s that old imperative to always do the right thing, to make every effort and take every opportunity – I can push myself too hard, hold on with my teeth, like a dog refusing to give way. ‘RELAX!’ they say… but its only my tension that is holding me together! I always try to work it out and keep on track – it’s what this blog is all about.

OK, OK… I just can’t use the blog to work it out sometimes.  The words get stuck – or else they’re just too intimate to share. I am already so exposed – have laid myself bare over this past year – and of course there are things I cannot write about on here to keep the dirty linen rightly private and cover over those I love.  As things go even wider I must be more wise – and yet honest and real too – always that!  😉 But negativity is not going to help anyone – even me. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent…

A few days away from home came along at just the right time this week, to keep me occupied elsewhere, to focus nervous energy on other things and provide a bit of space from the pressure of our lives at home: I’ve had some much needed healthy distraction and good company, leaving no time to introspect and write.  Tomorrow I fly off to Brittany for 5 days rest with my ever-loving husband – bliss: we really wish it was 5 weeks!  So all the drafts will have to wait and once again I must let go:  I cannot fix myself – and that’s OK.

I’ll be quiet and give it time and be back when I am filled up again.  I’m hoping to meet Jesus on the beach…

Advertisements

About Sally Ann

True-story teller - words and pictures
This entry was posted in Life choices, Personal, The process. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Ground to a halt

  1. Jo Bentham says:

    Wish I was in Bretagne too. Only back 10 days and wanting to return to the beaches. Hope you both return refreshed and restored. Love and Prayers. Jo

  2. Diane says:

    Love you X Will be praying for you. And it was great sharing a room with you and your thoughts and of course Doggie
    XX

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s