I was asleep but I heard a voice calling so loudly – in my dream, in my head – that it woke me up. Could that have been someone downstairs who had just let them selves in at 3 in the morning? It was very unsettling… He sounded like Rich Wilson, only deeper, more authoritative (as if Rich, leader, prophet and good friend is not authoritative enough!) but all he said was “Hello!”
Hello, hello? Is there anybody there? I am looking for an invitation, seeking your company… The call hung in my mind. I was Samuel in the temple, wanting to go and find Eli and ask what he wanted (1 Samuel 3). But I didn’t need a second salutation – I knew it was the Lord calling me.
Why do You need to get my attention in the middle of the night, Lord? But I already know the answer: I have allowed my attention to wander. Despite all my advent prayers asking Jesus to come, I have not really positioned myself to welcome Him; I have got lost in my own head and negative emotions, distracted from the one thing I really need. How quickly it happens! No wonder I feel so ill, stressed, spaced-out – I have managed to get separated from the true source of my life. All the coffee and alcohol – uppers and downers – don’t really help; all my keeping busy and ‘doing the right thing’ don’t give me strength. As The Verve said, “The drugs don’t work”. I am so weary I have even stopped enjoying most of it. We have lovely, supportive friends and Christmas parties, but the One who stands at the door and knocks is the One I need to sit down and eat with.
Lord I am sorry: my Martha tendencies have been to the fore – I am not good at choosing the better part. I seem to have forgotten that I have only made it through this year by leaning on Your grace. This recent turn of events has swept my heart downstream where I am being carried by the rapids towards a waterfall… Or to use a Biblical analogy, I was miraculously walking on the water, but the storm has taken my eyes off You: “Save me, Lord!”
Its the shortest day, the longest night. But ‘The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not extinguished it’ John 1v5. Exactly 40 days from today it will be January 29th: 1 year since we were told Sam’s diagnosis. So – here we go again, another journey marked out, 40 days through the turning of the year – to choose to let You in, to sit at Your table, to waste time at Your feet, to rest in love. I repent and re-adjust my priorities. Thank You for seeing me and knowing what I need even when I don’t know myself. You don’t pass by on the other side, but willingly come in search of a lost sheep… “Hello!”
There will be another “Hello!” today: Rebecca is coming home. That certainly changes the rhythm and priorities of our family life – it will be mummy/daughter time. In the preparations for Christmas there must be a way to carve out time to be quiet, to read, to worship, because I’ll be more stuffed than a Christmas turkey if I don’t!
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and sup with him and he with Me.” Revelation 3v20.
That would be a Christmas meal, a Jesus celebration to remember 🙂