Mouth to mouth resuscitation
I have been treading water far too long.
These treacherous torrents took me off my feet,
The swirling currents carried me away
To places I had no desire to go,
Tsunami-force of circumstance and pain,
The waves and breakers pushed me to the depths.
And fighting back, for days and weeks and months,
I rose again to take another breath,
To keep myself alive with hope and grace
And feel the sunshine warm upon my face.
But now it feels I’ve reached that final point,
The drowning person waving one more time,
His hand stretched out, continuing to hope,
Betrayed by weight and weariness at last.
The light fades out, the final breath expelled,
The waves and breakers pushed me to the depths,
To make my bed and lie on it below,
For there is nowhere deeper you can sink.
To rest in darkness, hidden from the light,
With bedrock underneath, I end the fight.
So now, if I am still to walk this world,
My only prayer is for Another’s Breath,
The kiss of life, the arms that lift me up,
A resurrection from the place of death.
This poem was first posted on Stories from the Street on 28th January 2010, the day before Sam’s diagnosis was confirmed. Again I find myself waiting here, anticipating an appointment with the consultant tomorrow to tell us what happens next. I didn’t know it was possible to go this deep. In January I thought I was at the end, so who knows whether I am now? He will not take us beyond what we can bear… but He seems to think we can bear more than we think we can. It is amazing to find such grace for a journey. In many ways I am not in such a desperate place as I was then… in other ways it is far more desperate. But there is nothing to be done but rest and wait and keep my thoughts in check, my heart focussed on the Lord.
My soul wait in silence for God alone, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold: I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62v5-8